Again, I must begin with an apology; last week was rather hectic for me, and in part due to last minute change in plans, I was unable to sit down to write a blog post. Hopefully this will in part make up for that tardiness.
As much as the title would indicate this post being about honesty, it really goes into my feelings in regard to a trait closely linked with it; respect. I don’t believe anyone could truly be dishonest with anyone they respected, or perhaps respect is more similar to a multi-story building, as opposed to something that is either there or not there. Perhaps respect and trust both include a number of different “shades,” in reference to the different degrees each holds. As an example, I could respect another’s ability to bluff while at the same time holding no respect for their own character. At least two examples come to mind when thinking on this subject, and both came at a great price.
The first example that comes to mind relates to one of the worst experiences I had in college. After a falling out with someone I considered to be my closest friend at the time, we had managed to agree not to try to communicate with each other, but still do things such as a Poetry Slam that I was involved in. My interpretation of this was to give us each some time to reflect on what had happened with greater clarity. The agreement was made over text, which I would have had no problem with, had they done what I had thought and discussed it after a time of reflection. However, they clearly did not truly respect me, or else I would have received a different reaction other than a text saying that they were comfortable just “acknowledging each other, but otherwise going about our business” when I reached out to sit down and talk face to face. I thought this was the end of the story, but years later I found out that they had tried to get me barred from participating in the Poetry Slam. My reaction upon hearing that? I wanted to laugh. Not because they had tried and failed to get me banned from something I had enjoyed doing, but rather because of how unnecessary it was. If they had just respected me enough to ask me not to audition for the Poetry Slam, I wouldn’t have gone to the audition. Out of respect for them? Not quite, but I suppose I was thinking with a broken heart rather than my head.
The other personal example I can think of comes from something a little more recent. At the time I was in a play and was developing a friendship with someone I had hoped to turn into something more. Not long before opening night, I had decided when I would ask her out, specifically after all performances of the play had concluded, as the show ended with us both onstage with our characters exchanging lines. Through an event neither of us directly caused, someone else in the cast pointed out evidence they thought implied I had feelings for her. We met at a restaurant afterwards to discuss how to proceed. She confessed she did have those feelings for me as well, but she was nervous because she didn’t want to “be the first one to break my heart” despite my telling her that ship had sailed long ago. So we agreed to remain friends and see if a relationship blossomed out of it. What does this have to do with honesty? She failed to tell me that she was at least seven years into a relationship that started when she was in high school. Not telling me a detail such as that still categorized it as a lie, even if it was a lie of omission.
In all fairness, I might have told a lie in each scenario previously described. For the first, I wanted to surprise the person in question in their viewing of a prior Poetry Slam by composing a poem where I wrote (or more accurately spoke) in a fashion in which I believed only they or I would know who I was talking about. I was a coward for that, I freely admit, and I paid a great price for that sin. In the second example which I spoke of, perhaps I was a coward, though to a lesser degree. At an event we were both at, I had asked her if she wanted to get coffee sometime, as most media has convinced me that is a pre-dating ritual that had to happen in adults. I’ll not go into specifics, but it she went back to confirm that she said “I’d love to” when I asked this. Not wishing to cause her distress, I lied and replied: “that’s what I heard.” I don’t know what would have happened if I had been honest and said I heard no “d” and a word rhyming with “to,” but it really doesn’t matter. We are all the sum of our choices in life, and as painful as it is, I’ve learned living in truth is preferable to pleasant lies.